After a marriage crisis, it’s hard to rebuild trust, for both mates.

For the offendee – the mate who feels betrayed, deserted, abandoned, or discarded – trusting feels unsafe, the last thing they are inclined to do.

For the offender – the mate who strayed but who now wants to be trusted – it feels like their partner’s trust is impossible to get back, no matter how earnestly it is desired.

Rebuilding trust is only hard, not impossible. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that it is a long-term project, and no matter how badly both mates want it, it will take a long time before it starts to feel robust and resilient.

Step 1.

Both of you decide that trust is worth working for.

Step 2-A.

The offender volunteers to tell the truth when asked, with only one exception allowed. Questions must be answered, in full, when they are asked, no matter how painful the process.

The exception to truth-telling is simple to describe: don’t answer any questions that will create movies in your mate’s head that will be impossible to erase. That usually means questions about specific sexual behaviors.

Step 2-B.

The offendee commits that truthful answers will not break the relationship. Much as they might not like to hear them, truthful answers give you real soil in which to grow the new relationship.

Step 3.

Offenders commit to becoming reliable.

Step 4.

Offenders commit to becoming predictable.

When you commit to becoming predictable, you are saying “No surprises from me; you’ll know what I’m going to do because I don’t ever shock you.”

Step 5.

The offendee commits to an end to the questions and a beginning to trusting.

The biggest hang-up about trust is that we want it to be all-or-nothing, and it cannot be so once the crisis has broken it. However, just because it isn’t all-or-nothing doesn’t mean it can’t be grown, even from the ashes.

Some gifts that you give your spouse are toxic. They poison the relationship, and you do neither yourself nor your partner any favors by giving them.Any time it feels like you are ‘giving in,’ you are preparing to bestow a toxic gift on your partner. You should stop immediately, tell your partner what you’re feeling, and take a few steps back in the interaction.What makes a gift toxic has nothing to do with the characteristics of the present, with how it is presented, or with whether or not it’s cheap or expensive, romantic or practical. In fact, toxic gifts aren’t even material objects at all. They are a way of resolving conflict that almost works, but doesn’t quite.Conflicts cause stress because they seem to pit you against each other. If you can’t both have what you want, the most natural stance to take is to try to win. To try to get as much of what you want as possible, and give as little as absolutely necessary. Conflicts inspire competition.But competition doesn’t feel like love.The temptation to “give-in” to resolve a conflict is a warning sign that you may be preparing a toxic gift.Letting your partner have his/her way, and just giving up your own preference, so that the conflict can be ended, is almost sure to be a toxic gift when:

• You resent the gift, either overtly or covertly.
• You believe the gift incurs an obligation on your partner’s part to reciprocate.
• Your relationship has a climate of non-mutuality, and your partner is unlikely to respond in kind.