Rebuilding Trust

Writing by Mark Rogers on Thursday, 8 of November , 2007 at 3:47 pm

After a marriage crisis, it’s hard to rebuild trust, for both mates.

For the offendee – the mate who feels betrayed, deserted, abandoned, or discarded – trusting feels unsafe, the last thing they are inclined to do.

For the offender – the mate who strayed but who now wants to be trusted – it feels like their partner’s trust is impossible to get back, no matter how earnestly it is desired.

Rebuilding trust is only hard, not impossible. That’s the good news.

The bad news is that it is a long-term project, and no matter how badly both mates want it, it will take a long time before it starts to feel robust and resilient.

Step 1.

Both of you decide that trust is worth working for.

 

Step 2-A.

The offender volunteers to tell the truth when asked, with only one exception allowed. Questions must be answered, in full, when they are asked, no matter how painful the process.

The exception to truth-telling is simple to describe: don’t answer any questions that will create movies in your mate’s head that will be impossible to erase. That usually means questions about specific sexual behaviors.

Step 2-B.

The offendee commits that truthful answers will not break the relationship. Much as they might not like to hear them, truthful answers give you real soil in which to grow the new relationship.

 

Step 3.

Offenders commit to becoming reliable.

 

Step 4.

Offenders commit to becoming predictable.

When you commit to becoming predictable, you are saying “No surprises from me; you’ll know what I’m going to do because I don’t ever shock you.”

 

Step 5.

The offendee commits to an end to the questions and a beginning to trusting.

 

 

The biggest hang-up about trust is that we want it to be all-or-nothing, and it cannot be so once the crisis has broken it. However, just because it isn’t all-or-nothing doesn’t mean it can’t be grown, even from the ashes.

 

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Category: Rebuilding Trust, Resolving Conflict, Useful Tools, by Mark Rogers

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