Writing by Mark Rogers on Thursday, 8 of November , 2007 at 3:39 pm
Some gifts that you give your spouse are toxic. They poison the relationship, and you do neither yourself nor your partner any favors by giving them.Any time it feels like you are ‘giving in,’ you are preparing to bestow a toxic gift on your partner. You should stop immediately, tell your partner what you’re feeling, and take a few steps back in the interaction.What makes a gift toxic has nothing to do with the characteristics of the present, with how it is presented, or with whether or not it’s cheap or expensive, romantic or practical. In fact, toxic gifts aren’t even material objects at all. They are a way of resolving conflict that almost works, but doesn’t quite.Conflicts cause stress because they seem to pit you against each other. If you can’t both have what you want, the most natural stance to take is to try to win. To try to get as much of what you want as possible, and give as little as absolutely necessary. Conflicts inspire competition.But competition doesn’t feel like love.The temptation to “give-in” to resolve a conflict is a warning sign that you may be preparing a toxic gift.Letting your partner have his/her way, and just giving up your own preference, so that the conflict can be ended, is almost sure to be a toxic gift when:
- You resent the gift, either overtly or covertly.
- You believe the gift incurs an obligation on your partner’s part to reciprocate.
- Your relationship has a climate of non-mutuality, and your partner is unlikely to respond in kind.
Category: Resolving Conflict, Surviving Holidays, by Mark Rogers
No Comments
No comments yet.
