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Supposedly the Bermuda triangle swallows ships, aircraft, sailors, etc. mysteriously, leaving no trace and without rational explanation.
In relationships, there is a triangle that swallows loving affection and intimate commitment just as powerfully. In fact, whenever three people are in a relationship they tend to dysfunction in a characteristic way. That pattern -- the Bermuda triangle of relationships -- is the trauma drama of Victim -- Rescuer -- Persecutor.
For couples the third point of the triangle is often a child, a parent, an old friend or buddy of one of the partners, or an ex. This triangle involves the three people interacting with each other as if they were playing out roles in a script. The roles are stable, but who enacts them shifts from day to day or moment to moment as the trauma drama plays itself out.
If you find yourself embroiled in a conflict or caught up in what feels like dysfunction, see if you don't recognize these roles in the dynamics of your interaction.
The Victim. You're playing the victim when you feel sorrow or hurt and blame others for it. It's as if you are saying "My life stinks, somebody else should fix it."
The Rescuer. You're playing the rescuer when you feel care and concern about the victim, and you try to manage their emotions or experiences by directing their behavior. It's as if you are saying "Your life stinks, follow my directions to fix it."
The Persecutor. You're playing the persecutor when you are angry and attack others with it. Persecutors usually attack victims, in essence saying "Your life stinks, and it's your fault."
Of course, Victims resent the attacks from Persecutors. And Rescuers try to blunt the attack of the Persecutor upon the Victim. If that was all there was to this little play, this might be a stable pattern. But the Bermuda triangle is more mysterious than that.
When the Rescuer intervenes on behalf of the Victim, the Persecutor may turn his attack on the Rescuer. If the attack is vicious enough, the former Victim may decide that the Rescuer needs rescuing, and will try to blunt the attack of the Persecutor.
In fact, the Victim may be so angry at the Persecutor that his rescuing of the Rescuer turns into an attack upon the Persecutor. The former Victim now occupies the Persecutor position, and the former Persecutor, whose anger has now lost steam, may find himself drifting down into the Victim position.
In other words, you can chase each other around this triangle virtually forever.
For example, step dad may say to his wife's teenage son, "No, dadgummit, I told you you're grounded for the weekend. That's your punishment for missing curfew, and I'm not backing off of it, no matter how much you whine and complain." Mom hears the angry tone and steps in with, "It's not fair to ground him when I told him he could go to this concert weeks ago."
So far, stepson has successfully played Victim, step dad has been cast as Persecutor, and Mom is Rescuing. But the roles can shift quickly.
Suppose Mom turns up the intensity of this interaction, by attacking her husband: "Why do you have to be such a jerk about this? Can't you just cut him some slack once in awhile? You're always so hard on him." Mom has now moved into Persecutor position, and step dad might just defend himself from the Victim corner by saying, "I'm just trying to be the parent you don't seem to want to be. How can I ever get any respect from him if you're always cutting me off at the knees?"
If step dad then surrenders the field, burying himself in the newspaper or the television, stepson completes the cycle by privately thanking Mom for Rescuing him from the big bad ogre.
Twice around the triangle, everybody's had intensity, positions have shifted, but there's been no growth, no resolution, no building of the relationship. Less love, more trauma in the drama.
The same three roles can be found with a domineering mother-in-law persecuting the hapless daughter-victim. When husband intervenes, who is he supposed to rescue? If he rescues his wife, his mother may take the Victim position. Then if he Rescues Mom, he should expect to be persecuted by his wife. At least, that's how the soap opera script reads.
Even affairs can be described by this triangle dynamic. The neglectful, workaholic husband is seen as a Persecutor by his wife. If a Rescuer shows up, sporting a handsome smile and a gift with sympathetic complements, a wife might find herself 'victimized' into a romantic fling.
How do you break out of this script? You must deal in a healthy way with the feelings present in each position.
Victim. If you are sad or hurt about your life, you must mourn or grieve and then take accountability for changing things instead of blaming someone or something else.
Rescuer. If you care about someone who hurts, then you must extend empathy and concern without being controlling. You have to allow others to have emotions you might find distressing.
Persecutor. You've got to learn to resolve conflict or set boundaries when you are angry, instead of attacking.
The emotions underneath the roles are valid, and they don't need fixing. It's the blaming, enabling, and attacking that damage the relationship.
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