[Back to Article Listing]
Most of us act as though, when we chose our partner, we gave up the capacity for other emotional choices forever.
We act as if, once we're hitched, there's nothing left but to react.
It's as if we abandon any sense of being intentional in our relationship. When a partner fails to follow through on a promise, we feel we must be disappointed. When a partner says something provocative, we must be angry. When our partner flirts with a desperate housewife/ househusband from down Wisteria Lane, we must react with a jealous rage.
It's as if, once married, we give the remote control for our emotions to our partner, and we can't ever get that emotional control back.
As a result, we send the message to our partner that if they were someone better and could manage themselves in a certain way, we would have nothing but positive emotions. "If only I'd chosen better, you'd always make me happy."
Relationships can grow quickly toward happiness and mutual joy-giving when both partners remember that they have choices about how they react to each other.
It's easier to love someone when you can choose what level of intensity their actions will inspire in you. You can, if you choose, turn down the volume dial, on purpose. And if one partner chooses not to? Then the other can still choose. Choice never disappears.
Choosing which reaction to have, as well as the intensity, gives a person even more power. Nobody can make you angry, force you to feel hurt or coerce you into sadness. No one can send you on a guilt trip without your cooperation. Those are all ways of talking about interactions that reduce the level of choice. It's disempowering language.
When you're having an emotional reaction to your partner's behavior, stop and remind yourself, "I have a choice. I can choose how to respond, whether to respond, and at what level of intensity. That's my power, and my privilege."
And then you'll have the remote back in your own hands.
[Back to Article Listing] |
