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When a conflict erupts in a relationship, one of three things happens:
1. |
Both partners attack, and the relationship gets damaged. |
2. |
One partner attacks, and the other defends, and the relationship either gets worse or stays stuck. It never gets better. |
3. |
One partner attacks, and the other partner listens. This is the only way that a relationship can benefit from a conflict. |
Listening when your partner is on the attack is a hard skill to learn, but it is the best way to defuse an argument.
When your partner is attacking, your own internal reflexes want to attack back or to defend yourself. It's natural, and perfectly normal. Neither strategy works.
Attacking back just increases the damage potential. Defending yourself – by explaining, by excusing, by trying to calm your partner down – doesn't get you into a position of power. You don't win anything when you try to defend, even if your partner does calm down. You've bought some time, but you haven't gained strength.
Listening – where you reflect back what you hear your partner saying, without adding your own opinions or counter-responses – is the only way to gain strength. It's counter-intuitive. You get more powerful when you don't try to advance your agenda, when you turn your attention fully and completely to hearing what your partner is trying to say.
Because it is so unnatural a response, listening is a skill that requires practice. It usually takes three or four tries to paraphrase your partner's message accurately, and it often takes as many as six or seven exchanges for the 'attacker' to convey all of what they mean. Listeners should cultivate a stubborn persistence that looks like “Sweetheart, I am absolutely determined to hear everything you are trying to say to me right now, including just exactly how upset you are about this issue. And I am going nowhere, doing nothing else, not pursuing any other goal than understanding at a gut and heart level what you are thinking, feeling, and experiencing.”
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