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Do you want a relationship that nurtures, affirms and nourishes your spirit and makes your heart soar?
Quit collecting grievances. Stop grinding your partner down.
Give up your gripe list. Start a grow list.
You can’t demand your way into being loved. You can’t gripe it into being.
You’ll have to grow it.
Here's how to make a grow list:
- Decide on something you'd like to have different in your relationship.
"I want better sex."
"I want us to quit arguing about money."
"I want more intimate communications, more sharing of feelings."
- Figure out what your contamination is. Not what your partner does or doesn't do, but what you do (or don't do).
"I don't do enough romancing and courting, so my partner doesn't get her heart turned on."
"I justify breaking the budget by making excuses for impulse purchases."
"I don't listen well; I jump into fixing problems."
- Design three experiments, in which you do the opposite of your contaminating pattern, and name three times and/or situations to cue them.
"I'll send a card, call for no good reason at lunchtime, and sneak a love note into her laptop case."
"I'll confess to making excuses tonight, promise 10 days of abstinence, and give a progress report."
"I'll bite my tongue for three paragraphs, I'll paraphrase what I've heard, and I'll try to name the feeling I hear in between the lines."
- Do the experiments, but don't tell your partner you're doing them. Just do them. (Don't wait for your partner to deserve them, just do them.)
- Note the results, especially how your partner reacts. (Usually, your partner lights right up. Even if they don't, check to see if you like these results better than what your contaminating pattern usually gets you.)
Griping about a problem is like pouring fertilizer on the brown spot in your lawn. It just puts the energy into a place that's as good as dead. Instead, doing a grow list fertilizes the green edge, so that your good energy grows into cooperative solutions.
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