Irresistible Arsenic: Why Blaming Feels Good
and Makes Things Worse

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Suppose you baked a chocolate cake.

Three layers, with a different kind of chocolate in each one - creamy milk, bittersweet dark, and one with liquor in it. Then you iced it over with a luscious, gleaming, silky smooth layer of fudge.

Imagine that it looked like a master chef's creation, the centerpiece of a gourmet baking magazine, poised on the platter like the Venus de Milo rising from a block of marble. Imagine the rich aroma, like a perfume of oral pheromones, teasing your taste buds. You pick up the knife, slice into the cake, and lay out a wedge of perfection. The fork appears in your hand, like a magic wand manifesting itself, wanting to be wielded.

And just as you lift that first bite to your lips, you glance over to the counter and realize that instead of baking powder you have added arsenic to the mix.

Wouldn't you ... just ... stop? Just put the fork down and very carefully make sure that you didn't let even a crumb of the cake into your mouth?

Blaming your partner is nearly as irresistible as chocolate cake, and it's as toxic as arsenic.

When you find fault with your mate, and then lather on the guilt about their mistakes, flaws and inadequacies, you are poisoning the relationship. Even when you are right. Especially when you are right.

When the problems that bedevil you (not enough money at the end of the month, rambunctious kids, a car that won't start, the dog peeing on the carpet again, and sex happening or not happening on the right schedule for your preference) are laid at your partner's feet, and you say, in whatever words you convey the message, "It's all your fault," you just poisoned your relationship, and let yourself off the hook.

Transferring the responsibility away from yourself feels as good as a big bite of chocolate cake. You get relief, you get the moral high ground, you get to feel justified in your angry outburst. You get to feel better than your partner, especially if you are convinced that you are right.

It's like taking all the dirty clothes from the upstairs bedrooms and dumping them on the head of your partner, who's been watching tv while you are doing all the housework. It just feels soooo good.

But it's really bad for you.

Blaming turns your partner into an adversary. They become your enemy, determined to defend themselves. They will look for weapons with which to counter-attack. "Oh yeah? Well what about __ that you did yesterday? And you're not so hot yourself, remember __?" Those attack, defend, attack conversations never go anywhere good. Your blaming has just initiated a sequence of hostilities. Like playing tennis with hand grenades.

Or, your partner feels guilty, believing they are flawed, faulty, inadequate, and defective. Convinced or convicted, the blamed partner is filled with shame. Though this result is quieter, it's not better than hostilities. Now you have a partner who feels less than worthy, and that emotional position never leads to passion to enthusiasm or collaboration. Instead you get sullen resentment and reluctant compliance, like a dog who's been swatted once too often. Blaming takes the wag out of your partner's tail.

Learning to forego blaming isn't really all that difficult. You wouldn't eat chocolate cake made with arsenic, no matter how good it looks. Once you understand, at a gut level, that blaming creates hostile resentment or bitter retaliation, it's not that hard to put down the fork and choose a better option.

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