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Competition isn’t just about keeping up with the Joneses; it’s about becoming a Jones.
Social comparison theory (originated by a psychologist named Festinger working in the 50’s) suggests that couples who get competitive are looking for a sense of identity as a couple. It’s a way to fit in with people you want to be like.
Competing in the game of acquisitions, careers and leisure pursuits lets you know that you are a player. You get reassurance that you’re a Jones, just like all the other Joneses. That’s just as powerfully compelling when you’re entering the world of couple-hood as when you are a teenager trying to navigate adolescence.
Identifying yourselves as a couple comes from three sources: your individual values and convictions, the on-going maturing of your relationship and how you fit into your peer group. Hyper-competitive couples are trying to make one leg do the work of three in holding up the whole stool.
When you “succeed” at competing, you might just find yourself feeling that winning leaves you a little hollow at the core. If you aren’t tapping into your convictions and if your relationship is not maturing, your “wins” can feel wobbly. You’ve got to do your own growing, both as people and as a couple, to feel solid in who you are.
Bad news: You can’t compete your way to wisdom, to maturity, to confident selfhood or soul-mated love.
Good news: Neither can the Joneses.
Why are some couples competitive when others aren't?
Some couples find couplehood more ambiguous, more of an unknown territory. They don’t have strong internal convictions about how to live, and they feel less certain about their developing relationship. So they don’t turn inside or to each other to get their bearings, they turn to couples they want to be like. And they play the game of "Can we be more like them than they are?” That’s social comparison theory at work – trying to figure out who to be and how to behave by comparing yourselves to others.
Who are couples usually competing with?
Other couples that seem to hold the territory we want to occupy. Neighbors? Not so much, unless the neighborhood is full of couples “Just like us.” Peers? Of course. That’s part of what the whole dynamic is about – fitting in with peers, so that you know who you are. Desirable targets? Definitely. People we want to be like, people we would love to consider peers.
What happens when competition gets out of hand with a couple?
Ted and Irae had been married a couple of years when they both got promotions. With their new income, they bought a house in an upscale neighborhood of young professionals, stretching themselves financially with the mortgage. Three couples met them in the front yard on the move-in day, and they struck up a great friendship. All of the visiting couples were four or five years older, more settled in their professions, and with more discretionary income.
Ted and Irae didn’t idolize their friends, but they did want to take vacations with them. They loaded up their credit cards spending leisure time with their new friends, bought new cars (SUVs of course) so they wouldn’t stand out, and furnished their house much more lavishly than they could afford. Within a couple of years, the financial stress of fitting in with their friends was causing fights between them. Eventually, it came to a head when Ted bought a big flat-screen TV so the gang could watch the Super Bowl together. Irae ended up spending a couple of days with her sister, then telling Ted she wanted a divorce.
Over a TV? Not exactly. Newly married, Ted and Irae were doing what all couples do, trying to find their way through unfamiliar territory. Because their own individual values weren’t guiding them sufficiently, they over-related to their new peers. Because they hadn’t developed sufficient maturity as a couple to monitor themselves and manage their communications about finances, they kept making small decisions that had big-time implications.
When is competition healthy?
When you’re secure in your own values and stable in your developing relationship, competing with others can move you forward into achieving more, stretching yourself to accomplish things you might not find comfortable or easy.
When does it cross the line to being hurtful?
When your own individual values don’t guide you to make wise choices, and when your couple-cooperation isn’t mature enough to set limits on the peer-perspective. When “I” and “we” aren’t strong enough to balance out the “us-compared-to-them.”
How can couples who are maybe too competitive tone it down a bit?
The question suggests that “too competitive” is a behavior that needs managing. My perspective is that “too competitive” is a dynamic that needs maturing. If you are “too competitive,” you should look carefully at three things:
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Are we in new territory as a couple, trying to find ways to fit in, to define ourselves as a couple? (That’s usually what competition is about, psychologically.)
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How can we let our values and convictions be a more compelling compass to how we live?
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How can we develop our couple relationship so that it gives us as much security and satisfaction as our relating to our peers?
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