Mismatched Libido

[Back to Article Listing]

It’s pretty common for both mates in a relationship to have a different libido level. That refers to the drive to want to be sexual, not the sexual drive.

That’s a difference that matters.

You can have a sexual response that is powerfully satisfying, when you indulge, but you just don’t want to have that kind of response very often. That’s a low libido.

Most people can have a good-enough experience of being sexual with their mates when they are both interested, both attracted, both willing. When you’re in the euphoria of new romance, most couples experience very high levels of both being interested, attracted, and willing to be sexual. That feels so good to both of you that you want to keep on doing that for a long time, with great frequency.

And then, the drugs wear off. The euphoria goes the way of all psychochemical extremes. Both partners return to their more normal levels of libido. One of you wants to be sexual more than the other does.

One of you has a higher libido (relatively constantly or consistently higher than your partner) and your mate has a lower libido. (There’s no “high” or “low” libido standard that makes much sense in terms of how couples work through things. There’s only relatively higher- or lower-than your mate.) The interest in being sexual is variable for everyone, but tends to be consistently more or less than your mate’s.

Despite what the euphoric romance illusion predicts, and despite what Hollywood or popular fiction implies, most couples have this simple difference: one mate wants to be sexual more than the other. (It’s not always the male, though the primary hormone for mediating libido is testosterone, and males commonly have 30 times more of this in their system than females.)

This difference is not a catastrophe, but couples can create some sharp-edged conflict out of it. Here are some of the most damaging mistaken conclusions that can come from the simple difference in libido:

“You don’t find me attractive.” Libido is basically a function of biological temperament. The want to be sexual comes from inside, not outside. Your putting on a few pounds or losing hair doesn’t affect that much. (It counts for something, of course, but it’s not the primary factor.)

“There’s something wrong with you.” Not wanting to be sexual often is not a defect, it’s a difference. (There are disorders that affect libido, but to assume that your mate is broken because s/he isn’t particularly interested in being sexual is just … not fair.)

“If you really loved me, you’d want me.” Libido isn’t the same thing as love. Love in its many flavors and colors has an erotic component, but it’s a fallacy to believe that your mate has to lust like you, to be in love with you.

“All you have to do is choose to.” While it is possible to do some sexual behavior even when you aren’t especially interested, it’s usually neither pleasurable nor particularly exciting. It may be that the lower-libido mate may decide to “work on” raising their level of energy and interest in sexuality, but it’s much more complicated to do so than just “choosing to.”

“Your level of drive is … perverted.” Just as low levels of libido are normal, so may high levels be well within the normal range. It’s not any more inherently pathological to have a high level of libido than to have a low level.

All of these dysfunctional attitudes about mismatched libido can drive a wedge between mates.

How to handle the mismatch?

1. Acknowledge reality, but don’t assume too much. If you and your mate are otherwise happy and working well together, then mismatched libido is merely another personality difference that needs to be compromised and negotiated. If there are other conflicts or strains on the relationship, don’t be surprised if libido isn’t an easy fix.

2. Recognize your partner is normal, so there’s no way to determine who’s supposed to change most to work things out. Just like you have to work out who gets up first to make the coffee and what temperature the thermostat gets set on at night, you have to work out how much and what kind of sexual activity you’ll live with together. There’s no default position that’s more right or healthy than another, there’s only what the two of you can agree upon.

3. Other people – even professionals – are unlikely to know enough details of your life together to tell you what to do, so you’re probably going to have to talk this one through with each other. If that conversation gets tough, seek some third party assistance in how-to-work-together, not who-is-sicker. Don’t expect a professional to tell one partner to be the primary changer. If they do, it probably won’t work for long.

4. Accept the disappointment of not being perfectly matched to the mate who wants you as much as you do them, as often and as intensely as you, in perfect synchrony with your desires. That was euphoric romance, now you’re in long-term love. It’s not a tragedy or a fatal flaw in the relationship. It’s just another one of the many differences you didn’t realize you’d have to work through back when you were starry-eyed and incessantly hungry for each other. Welcome to real life. Lighten up about the whole topic and it gets easier to work through.

[Back to Article Listing]