[Back to Article Listing]
O. Henry’s story “The Gift of the Magi” has seeped into the popular romantic consciousness. In that tragicomic tale, young and poor lovers each sacrificed their most precious possession (his watch, her hair) to purchase Christmas presents for each other, presents (a watch fob and a set of combs) that were materially worthless without the watch and the hair. The irony of the story and the intensely genuine love portrayed what appears to be a profound truth – that great love sacrifices self for the other.
The delusion of romantic sacrifice is this: “If I sacrifice parts of my self, then my beloved will love me more. And that makes the sacrifice worthwhile, because being loved better will more than make up for what I’ve lost."
Delusions flourish in the shadowy dark of romance. Here’s how we tend to think in the dark: “If I give up doing ____ or being ____, then my partner will be not just relieved, s/he will love me much more, as I long to be loved. And that will feel soooo good, so satisfying and fulfilling, that I will never miss the good feelings I got from doing ____ or being ____. “
The only part of that sequence that is predictably true is that if you give up doing ___ or being ___, your partner might be relieved.
If what you do is annoying or expensive, your partner is pretty well guaranteed to be relieved when you quit. If you are offensive or obnoxious, your partner is pretty well guaranteed to be relieved when you change.
However, they almost surely won’t love you more for the difference. They may like you more, but they won’t love you more. Love doesn’t spring from such sources.
When you sacrifice some part of yourself and then tell your partner “I gave up ___ for you!” you are more likely to inspire guilt or resentment than more love. It feels like obligation to receive such a sacrifice, something like your mother saying “After all I’ve done for you…”
Even if your partner does love you more for the change, which almost never happens, it’s absolutely true that you will not feel so satisfied and fulfilled by their love that you won’t miss the old style you.
We always miss the old us, the old payoffs, the old habits, even after we’ve given them up for good.
We might, just maybe, say that it was a good trade-off, but we are guaranteed to have moments of longing for cigars, drinking with the poker buddies, gals’ nights out, racing motorbikes, flirting. Being loved by someone doesn’t scratch those itches.
Instead of the romantic delusion, here’s what happens:
-
You give up your favorite vice, or some activity that is yours (and not your partner’s) idea of a good time, or some interest or friend that your partner doesn’t like.
-
You expect your partner to be grateful and for that gratitude to expand into more love.
-
Instead, your partner reacts with something more like “You should have done that long ago.” Or perhaps with offended undertones of “What do you want, a medal?”
-
You feel resentment, bitter that your partner isn’t grateful and more loving.
-
You miss the old rewards of the sacrifice. You long for the pleasures of your single life.
Here’s a prescription for growing a relationship that works better: make gifts of activities that enrich you as a partner.
Your old enjoyments might be part of what made you interesting to your partner. Your connections to others – if they aren’t seen as threats to the integrity of your partnership – can be part of what gives you interesting stories to share, depth and richness to contribute to your shared lives.
You give a better gift to your relationship when you add dimension to your life, when you enrich your life with activities that make for stimulating conversations and when you explore new territory in life. These are gifts to the relationship when you bring new energy back from them into your partnership.
Grow yourself, expand your capacity for happiness in life, and then give that expanded capacity to your relationship.
Sacrifice sucks energy from the relationship, but your own personal growth – and innovative couple explorations – infuse new energy in.
Instead of sacrificing, make a gift of your growth.
[Back to Article Listing] |
