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Conflicts cause stress in a relationship because they seem to pit you against each other. If you can't both have what you want, the most natural stance to take is to try to win. To try to get as much of what you want as possible, and give as little as absolutely necessary. Conflicts inspire competition.
But competition doesn't feel like love.
If your relationship is already pretty short on loving feelings, then competing to win-as-much-as-you-can in a conflict may seem pretty natural to you. You already know, very likely, that gifts hardly ever occur in such an atmosphere.
But if you are in a relationship that has the normal ebb-and-flow of affection, you might be tempted to resolve a conflict by giving a gift -- "Oh, let's just do it your way. You can have it your way; I'll just give in."
Warning! The temptation to "give-in" to resolve a conflict is a warning sign that you may be preparing a toxic gift.
Letting your partner have his/her way, and just giving up your own preference, so that the conflict can be ended, is almost sure to be a toxic gift when:
a) You resent the gift, either overtly or covertly.
b) You believe the gift incurs an obligation on your partner's part to reciprocate.
c) Your relationship has a climate of non-mutuality, and your partner is unlikely to respond in kind.
It's toxic to the relationship to give up or give in and be ticked off about it. Your resentment is corrosive to affection unless you can give your gift freely, even enthusiastically; you'd be better off negotiating a compromise than adding to any store of resentful bitterness you're accumulating.
If there are strings attached to your gift, including the obligation to be grateful or to reciprocate in the future, then it's not really a gift, is it? It's a non-negotiated compromise, in which your so-called "gift" is just your part, and your partner's part is expected to be delivered later, like an I.O.U. they won't remember signing.
If your relationship doesn't feel fairly mutual already, if you feel like you are doing all or most of the giving, then giving more on top of that inequity is almost surely going to lead to resentment. You may think, believe, hope, wish, or pretend that you are capable of extravagantly over-giving, but long history demonstrates that such saintly behavior is most likely to end up inspiring feelings of martyrdom - not matrimonial bliss. It's no gift to your partner or your relationship to add another nail to the cross you willingly bear.
The gift of giving-in to resolve a conflict only works for health in a relationship when you are able to say, "I'd like for you to have your way this time. It's my present to you, one that I relish giving freely, enthusiastically, like we used to back in the days of euphoric romance. I'm happy for you to have what you want, and my giving away what I prefer feels more like a joy to me than a sacrifice I'm likely to resent."
And if, in a few days, you start to resent it, or start watching for reciprocation on your partner's part...then you should tell your partner "I need to be honest with you. That gift I tried to give, I'm not letting go of it, so I think we'd better work on a negotiated compromise until I can grow up some, and turn my want-to-be-a-giver into a truly generous heart."
If you don't give your gifts away, completely letting go of any vestige of bitterness or expectation, then they are -- or soon will be -- toxic.
Better not to give that way at all.
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