Valentines Daily – how to cultivate real romance every day

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If you want a real romance that feels like love, you have to employ some strategies daily. Flowers, candy and a special dinner out can’t make up for months of misery. If you haven’t been cultivating romance and a special sensitivity to each other daily, it isn’t likely to happen because the calendar has rolled around to mid-February again.

These strategies work because they cultivate the couple relationship. They don’t help "fix" your significant other. (That approach doesn’t work.) None of these strategies takes a lot of money, time or skill building. Some of them do take a lot of character to make them routine.

Here are some simple, practical, proven-by-research strategies for doing daily what really works in romantic relationships.

1. Say positive things to your partner. Pay them lots of compliments. Be encouraging. Affirm progress, and even make excuses for your partner’s mistakes.

2. Say positive things about your partner. When you describe them to others, mention their best qualities. Brag on them, and mean it. Keep your criticisms and your clever little zings to yourself.

3. Say positive things about your relationship. “You know what I like about us?” is a great way to start a terrific conversation. Be complimentary about your partnership as well as your partner, both to your partner and when you talk to others. Even when you are talking about the troubled times you are having, sandwich the struggles between the strengths.

4. Bite your tongue. When you are angry, especially when you are discussing your touchiest subjects, hold back the harshness. Consider your words most carefully when you are walking in a marital mine field. (Remember that requirement for character and emotional growth? Here’s where it might be hardest. When you are angriest is not the best time to let it all hang out.)

5. Don’t strike sparks at the start. When you are entering a conversation about a touchy subject, keep your tone calm and your choice of words cool. It’s easy to initiate an argument, but you will be happiest together if you don’t begin a conversation with an angry tone, a dramatic exaggeration, and a confrontational posture.

6. Partner up, partner. Allow yourself to be influenced, affected and persuaded by your partner’s wishes. You don’t win what you really want by controlling all the power in the relationship. When your partner asks for help, help. When your partner needs you to shift priorities, do. When your partner wants some of your time, make time. Negotiate freely and give lots of presents of time, energy and attention. That’s what makes a partnership delightful. Sharing the lead is how you dance romance.

7. Tolerate anything delightful, but don’t even tolerate the least demeaning or destructive habits. When you find yourself being hurtful, apologize and make amends. When you find your partner being hateful, insist that the two of you work things through. Happy couples do fun things together and don’t allow each other to dysfunction much at all, if ever.

8. When an argument escalates, cool it down. Change the topic, have a laugh at your own expense (never your partner’s), find some common ground. Appreciate aloud how difficult your partner’s position must be, and say something caring that strokes them slightly (“I know you are working hard with me here, and I’m grateful for your effort.”).

9. Clear out the garbage. If something needs talking about or working through, find a time and have the conversation. Don’t let conflicts get old and stiff; work through them quickly. If you need the help of a third party, go get it. It’s much better to embrace the painful necessity of seeking assistance than to let misery accumulate until you’ve reached a critical mass. Counseling is cheaper than divorce, by far.

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