[Back to Article Listing]
Surprise! Sex doesn't solve any problems. It can be good, even really good, but it won't solve relationship problems.
Good sex can relieve some tension when there's conflict, but it doesn't resolve the conflict that's causing tension in the first place. It can build some closeness between partners who have been distant with each other, but the forces that draw partners away from each other aren't affected much at all beyond the time of sexual activity. You might enjoy sharing a bed together, but if you aren't enjoying sharing life together, then the pleasure of the bed-sharing won't last much longer than the heavy breathing does.
If you have significant personality differences, sex - even when it's good - can't resolve those differences for you. It can take your mind off the problems for a while, but it won't solve them for good.
If you have unresolved conflicts, sex won't make your resolutions appear out of nowhere. It might make wanting to resolve the conflicts easier, but it doesn't provide solutions for conflicts. It only builds a little momentum in that direction.
If you have chronic stress on the relationship from things like jobs, in-laws, relocations, illnesses, sex doesn't make those stresses go away. It can distract your attention for a few minutes, but the stresses return as soon as your attention returns to the stressors.
Sex doesn't solve any of the real problems that cause big distress between partners. On the other hand, sex can cause some heavy duty problems in a partnership. Lack of interest in sexuality can be a big disappointment to the partner who is condemned to involuntary celibacy. Ignorance about your partner's sexual patterns can disrupt the building of desire. Dramatic differences in desired frequency or sexual styles can make the arena of sexuality one that feels chronically frustrating.
Usually, however, problematic sex is a symptom, not a cause in a relationship. When the relationship feels unfair to a partner, it's hard for that partner to want to be sexual. If the load of housework or of financial responsibility feels too far out of balance, then sexual desire can be affected.
If you are building up resentment because you are the only one worrying about the bills, you aren't likely to want to hop into bed with a partner who doesn't seem to care. If you are exhausted because you have done a full day's work - at work - to be followed by an evening full of preparing dinner, handling the kids, and the lion's share of housework, you aren't likely to have much energy left for energetic passion. The relationship has to feel fair before you can feel like fooling around.
Problematic sex is a symptom of an unshared stance. When the sex is bad or lacking, it's because the partners don't share the stance of "we're in this together to make more happy happen." A healthy couple makes love for the sake of expanding happiness together, which is the best reason to be together anyway.
(We're not talking about sex for procreation, here; that's another issue. We're talking here about sex for pleasure's sake.)
There are other good reasons, of course, such as raising children, sharing life's difficulties and continuing a heritage.
The best reason for being a couple is to share delightful experiences, to enjoy joy conjointly. When you see a beautiful sunset, what's your first impulse? Look around for someone to share it with. When you hear beautiful music, you want to share that experience with another set of ears, so that someone else's heart is moved in the same rhythm as your own. Sharing happiness is a far better reason to make love than the typical alternatives.
Sometimes sexual problems arise because the power distribution in a relationship isn't fair. When sex becomes about power, it's not about partners sharing delight, it's about someone having control. Having sex doesn't solve the problem of a power struggle. And you can't expand happiness when you are wrestling for the upper hand.
Sometimes partners create sexual problems when they aren't 'meeting each others' needs.' When sex becomes about needs, it's not about partners enjoying joy together, it's about who gets to feel satisfied first and who gets deprived until it's their turn. Demanding that your partner 'satisfy your needs' because that's their obligation is bound to make sex feel like a dutiful chore. That's not a turn-on, ever.
Sometimes partners create sexual conflicts because they haven't arrived at mutually satisfying frequency for being sexual or a compatible style of sexuality (comforting, playful, aggressive, loud/quiet, etc.). The lack of a compromise that works can cause sexuality to be a topic fraught with manipulation or attempts to coerce. When sex becomes a contest to see who can get what they want without having to compromise, it's not about partners expanding happiness together. It's about horse-trading and scorekeeping. It's not making love, it's strategic one-upsmanship.
How can you keep sexuality from being a problem?
-
Refuse to let it be about anything other than expanding happiness. Refuse to let it be about power, about needs, about scorekeeping in any way.
-
Negotiate anything and everything about it, compromising readily so that you can have enthusiastic agreement about how to play with each other. (Think about how you 'play' on the dance floor when the style isn't ballroom - continually adjusting and responding readily to the other person's 'lead' and taking the 'lead' occasionally yourself.)
-
Heal anything from your past that puts any kind of overlay upon sexuality being delightful play. If you have abuse, rape, coercion, or repressive upbringing to deal with, find a support group, a therapist, or a helpful mentor, and get that stuff healed. Your partner can't do that for you; it's your responsibility to find someone who can help you.
-
Make it playful. Talk about it light-heartedly. Ask for things that might be fun, experimentally. Find a way to use humor and joking that aren't put-downs or sideways criticism.
-
When you are in the midst of being sexual, express yourself about what feels good. Let your partner know what might be fun. Enjoy the happiness of horniness.
-
Above all things, don't let being sexual become a job. It's not supposed to be hard work. It's meant to be grown-up play. The book is titled The Joy of Sex, not The Job of Sex.
[Back to Article Listing] |
